Invisible
Ever since I could remember I’d followed Billy. I sat behind him in class, at the table next
to his in the cafeteria, high up in the bleachers after school at the ball
field.
He was usually smiling and carefree. A typical boy in a typical small town. But
sometimes he got this look in his eyes. A strange mixture of terror and sorrow that
seemed so grown up and inexplicable to me.
Like he was going somewhere I wasn't. Somewhere in his mind where I couldn't follow.
But I always followed Billy. Everywhere he went. From the first day of kindergarten when I saw
him piling blocks on top of each other in the corner of Mrs. Turner’s room to
the last time I saw him, senior year, in Shannon Wood behind the school.
Over the years he grew tall and strong and beautiful. Boys don’t like it when you call them
beautiful, but that’s the best word for what he was.
Just after spring break our senior year, he started going
out with Kendra Channing. She wasn't the
prettiest girl in our class, but she had something about her that set the boys
buzzing around her. She chose Billy
because he was so beautiful. I heard her
talking about him in the girls’ room one day between classes.
“He is the best looking boy in this entire school,” she
said. “And those dreamy eyes of his?
Drives me crazy wondering what he’s thinking. I’m going to find out.”
The other girls sighed in envy. My heart was a lump of sick
fire choking me, but I managed to keep smiling. Not that anyone even noticed I
was there. Nobody ever did really.
I’m good at keeping to the fringes, standing in the
shadows. Half the kids in school have
gone to class with me since kindergarten and at least a third of them couldn't tell you my last name if it meant they’d win a million dollars. Maybe not even my first name.
To most people I just don’t exist.
Like Billy. After
that first day of kindergarten when we built block towers together and shared
our peanut butter sandwiches, he never even looked at me. His gaze sort of slid
past me to somebody else. I didn't know
what I did wrong. Maybe it was because he was a boy and I was a girl.
He started playing with Karl Jones. They built block fortresses,
had food fights, and chased each other around the playground.
I watched them, my heart burning with jealousy, but they
never asked me to play too.
Almost every day after school, it was the same routine: Out the side door of the school, through the
west parking lot, into the dark maze of Shannon Wood he used as a short cut to
get to his house on Peach Lane.
We weren't supposed to go into Shannon Wood. Some little kid
got killed there years ago using the short cut.
Broad daylight and everything, but it’s dark in those woods. I always got goosebumps when I followed Billy
along the pine needle path and across Thacker’s Brook to Oak Street. Billy’s end of Peach Lane was only half a block off Oak Street if he
took the Shannon Wood short cut.
I wanted to tell him not to do it because the bad man who
killed that little kid might still be lurking behind a tree trunk or in the
little hollow in the bank by the falling apart footbridge, but I didn't because
then he’d know I was there.
So I shivered and followed him as closely as I dared without
giving myself away.
Fridays after school he always hurried home because he and
his family had pizza night together.
They hung out and played board games and watched movies all squished
together on the sectional sofa in the living room. Billy never went out to parties with the
other kids from school on Fridays. You’d
think he would get teased about it by his friends, but I think they were as
envious of Billy’s tight knit family as I was.
Lots of times I watched through the window while they sat
around the dining room table and played Life and Scrabble and Clue.
Laughing. Trying to distract each other
so they could cheat until his mom came in with a big bowl of popcorn and said
it was movie time.
My family never had pizza nights. My dad barely acknowledged my mom. He came home from work, changed his clothes
and shut himself up in the den to watch sports.
Mom sat at the kitchen table pretending to read, but really just
sneaking gulps of wine. She was usually
drunk and passed out in bed by 9:30 but my dad never went to bed until after
midnight so he never knew. Or he pretended not to. I could never decide.
But Billy’s family wasn't like mine. His brothers were almost as beautiful as he
was and his sister, the baby of the family, was like a blond angel come down to
live on earth. Sometimes I hated her, but
most times I just wished I was her.
The last time I saw Billy was a Friday afternoon in Shannon
Wood. All day he’d had that look in his
eyes – the one that was part terror, part sadness.
“I know you’re there,” he said just before he stepped onto
the footbridge across Thacker’s Brook.
I froze, my heart thumping so hard it hurt. How?
I’d been so careful. Had I
stepped on a twig or some dead leaves?
“ You've got to stop following me. Haven’t you done it long
enough, Gina?”
I stepped out of the shadows of a pine tree and his face in
the dappled afternoon sunlight slanting through the tree tops was so sad I
wanted to comfort him. But I didn't know
how.
“It was thirteen years ago. I was a little kid, just like
you. I couldn't save you. I know you
blame me, but I ran for help. I didn't just run away. I’m sorry I didn't stay and defend you but I
was scared. I was five.” His chest heaved as he spoke and his eyes got very
blue with tears.
I stared at him, unable to speak. Numb. I was so numb I felt
paralyzed.
“Stop haunting me,” he shouted and a bird in the tree across
the brook shrieked and took wing in startled surprise. “I was a little kid and I ran. I couldn't help it that you got killed and I didn't!
Please. Please leave me alone.”
Dead. Was that what I
was? Is that why no one ever talked to
me or acknowledged me or included me in anything?
I told him we shouldn't go through Shannon Wood. My mommy
said to walk home on Carver Street
and not go into the woods. But Billy
said he was a big boy and he could cut through the scary old woods if he
wanted.
When he slid down the hill behind the big kids’ school and
walked fearlessly into the trees, I only hesitated a moment before I followed.
The man was hiding behind a big rock near the brook. He
smelled gross and his clothes were all dirty.
“Little girl,” he kept saying as he held me down in the dead
leaves and did bad things to me.
But I don’t remember dying.
Did I blame Billy?
Was the envy that burned in my chest because he was alive and I wasn't and not because he didn't want to play with me anymore? Was that it?
“Please go away,” Billy said again and tears streaked down
his cheeks. When he turned around and
splashed through the brook and out onto Oak Street, for the first time since
kindergarten I didn't follow.